"It's the stupidest tea-party I ever was at in all my life!”

Do you ever feel like your mind is a group of people sitting around a table arguing about what you should spend your time doing and not listening to each other?

Suffering

"Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor." - Alexis Carrel

“I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.” ― Alice

Is that so, Alice?
Well, it certainly doesn't feel that way today.
A while back, during my first meeting with my occupational therapist who was supposed to help me find alternate strategies to medicine for dealing with my ADHD, she began the process of booking a meeting for me with a psychologist. This person could get me on medication if I felt that I needed it. I was hoping that over the summer i would figure out some strategies that i would use to overcome some of my freaking chaotic cluster fun of a life. If order did not triumph over chaos, to a certain degree during the summer, than the psychologist would indeed be required to hook a brother up.
i would like to interject with the fact that i am exhausted with this whole situation.
i am tired of being me...or certain parts of me. 
The parts that have me running around like an idiot doing the same jobs over and over again...
well those parts can just bugger off.
So I am getting tired and thought that this meds ultimatum would force me to get my ducks in a row.
No such luck.
Things feel worse.
The process of forcing myself to adopt coping strategies has merely had me starting and changing my approach and starting over and making a gosh darned mess of everything.
so today i found myself telling this pill pusher that i don't feel ready for meds.
then i walked out of her office and was griped by panic...
like maybe i wont figure this out and maybe i will just become too exhausted, too tired to keep trying...
what then?
i will return.